What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
PANTIES FOUND
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
