apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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