If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Sober January is a disaster.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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