I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
