don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
