How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
