the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
