DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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