Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
