How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
