Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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