GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
