I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
