I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
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