Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
