I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
