So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
How does one acquire holy water?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
