This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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