i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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