you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Randomize