I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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