I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
