At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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