call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
