just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
