She is in my trunk
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize