I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
