i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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