found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I cut my penus on the lid.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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