I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
