I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
