Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
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