tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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