My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
