I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I want her autograph on my taint
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
