atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I'm both gender and math confused
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
