Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
