I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
BRING THE BAGELS
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
