The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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