How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
