Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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