My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
