Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
