Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize