i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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