So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
