If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
