I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Redeem this text for a blowjob
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
