girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
My orgasm happened in two different decades
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
