he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
