This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
