my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
