Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Randomize
