You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
The uberlube is also flammable
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
