Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
