i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
